why

why

As I sit on my deck, looking out at the stars, clouds,
I wonder why. I've often wondered on that word, but more so lately.

I wonder why I feel alone, yet have a mate. I love this mate of mine, I
   don't ask why.
I know my mate loves me, and there, there I wonder why. I seem to
   do those things that hurt him.
why.

I wonder why I feel friendless sometimes. I have friends that live
   close, and friends that live far.
I visit the close ones often, and do fun things; yet. something seems
   missing...
why.

I wonder why some of the friends I used to have don't seem to want
   to be around me. I try talking to them, I try keeping in touch.
I don't conciously push them away, but maybe just the way I have
   been recently, makes them leave.
why.

I wonder why the communication that I used to have online isn't still
   there. I mean I talk with those online and such.
I often have a couple of conversations, but lately, it seems that many
   of my words just are ignored....
why.

I wonder why yiffing seems to rule my life sometimes. I want to be
   perfect for my mate, hold myself until then, but I seem to still like
      online.
I've tried and will try again that I won't do anything online, but still I
   have a hard time not just doing it....
why.

I wonder why I can't ever seem to get the nerve up to come out to my
   parents. I've directly told people at work.
I haven't directly told them either way, really. I haven't even directly
   told my former college roommate. It should be an easy thing, but...
why.

I wonder why I feel my life isn't going anywhere. I have a job, it's not
   a great one, but pays well.
I have a house, a car, all those things in life that would make people
   happy, yet... I'm not.
why.

I wonder why I can't figure out what I want to do for a living. I've got
   a degree, I've got Knowledge, have done many things in my life.
I like quite a few different occupations, and can actually do them. But
   I can't figure out which one to do.
why.